Stuff I want back

It's been a while since I blogged. I don't really have any motivation to blog anymore. I'm such a downer but no one will really understand. Anyways it's been almost two months since I started school. I must say it's not easy at all. My bad decisions are kicking my in my ass right now. Or maybe the world is trying to sabotage my life. Hahaha... yeah.. I was going into a mid term thinking that I know everything. Well actually.. I did, most of it. I just didn't get my work and that really killed my marks. I didn't have enough time to revise my work. I got perfect on the hardest part because I actually looked over it. And I got crappy marks on the easier part, which sucks! But anyways it's over and done with and I guess I'll have to deal with it. I'll do better on the next one.

Lately, I've been a depressed son of a btch. I have a lot of things in my head and I just can't handle it all. Like the sense of something missing. I think it is because I haven't touched my hobbies in a while, skating and photography. Someone said to me,"When I hear someone say that something is missing, I usually think it's a boyfriend or girlfriend." You know what, I really don't know. But what I know is that when I think of having someone, it will just build up more stress and problems. It's not like I have a problem, it's just making something out of nothing and it totally sucks. This is when I usually dream about the past. Back in the day when I was a kid again.

K let me tell you a little story. Back when I was living in the Philippines, my dad had a shotgun. He would go out in the patio and shoot birds in the air. Then I would go fetch him the dead bird. It's cruel but I loved it when he actually hit it and I would fetch it for him. I think it's human nature to think that violence is entertaining. Anyways, one day I woke up earlier than everyone else. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you that I was probably around 5-6 at this time. So you know how we children were. Well for me, I was really curious on how things work. So when I am curious I want to figure things out. So the shotgun was against the wall; standing on the butt. And I walked up to it and guess what I did? I pulled the trigger. It went off. Thank god there were no shells in it, only gun powder. I woke up the whole house. I thought it was so cool but I got in deep shit for it, haha. Seriously I could of hurt my self.

Man, I always lie on my bed late at night just thinking. It has become a daily occurrence. Sometimes I just lie there for hours and I become frustrated with my self because I have to sleep! Maybe I'm holding on the past too much but hey, can't a man dream? What I really miss is, you're going to think I'm so gay but whatever, I miss being happy. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. But this I realized recently, you choose to be happy. Actually a friend of mine told me that. I just seems like once things are good, eventually that feeling will get shot down like one of those birds my dad killed. I'm not an emo ass mother sucker, I'm just frustrated. May think it's stupid, but that's life right? I mean who here had a time where they felt frustrated? Yeah I thought so. It's just my time. So for now, I'll just deal with it, suck it up. Let it be and whatever happens, happens. Right? Yeah. I'm on my pursuit trail to happiness. =)